Pointers in Surviving as a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
by Onlymehere
Summary: April has moved in with the turtles after her apartment is burned to the ground by the Shredder. She quickly realizes just how bizarre living with four mutant terrapins can be and an ever-growing "survival" list is forged to help her through it all.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: hey there! Sorry for my long absence and lack of legitimate material now that I've returned. :P This is just a little goofy fic I started on my plane ride home to try to get my muse up and running again. I remember finding something similar to this in another fandom several weeks back, so the idea for the story isn't mine, but** **the material in this is straight out of my little brain :) all original! I will likely do 20 rules per chapter and there isn't going to a real plotline for any of this, BUT if you'd like me to create a backstory for a particular guideline, shoot me a review or a PM and let me know! I'll see what I can do for it! :D The same goes for any rule ideas, and if I use your rule I will definitely credit you. :) Stay awesome my friends and remember: feedback, feedback, feedback! I love to hear what you think of my work**

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"BOYS!" Master Splinter called to his sons. Seconds later, the four turtles stood around their rat father, looking quizzically between each other. Master Splinter smiled warmly and gestured at April, who stood slightly behind him. "As you know, Miss O'Neal will be staying with us, as we caused the destruction of her apartment. Since we will have a new member of the household, I feel it is appropriate that we set guidelines for ourselves. I would like all of us to sit down and compile such a list..."

1. Switching masks to confuse newcomers is not nice

2. Yelling cheesy one-liners when entering a battle is frowned upon

3. Don't even try talking to a pre-caffeine Donatello; it won't end well

4. Don't ever try to use Raph's sais as forks, and if you do, DON'T LET HIM CATCH YOU DOING IT!

5. Never let Leonardo cook

6. Do not disturb sleeping ninjas

7. Trifle not with Master Splinter's "story time"

8. It is not appropriate under any circumstances to switch the labels on Don's lab sample

9a. Please refrain from releasing any of Don's live specimens.

9b. Actually, just…. don't even go in Don's lab, crazy shit goes down in there.

10a. Donny and April are not a "thing". You can stop asking now.

10b. Raph and April aren't either

10c. Leo and April are DEFINITELY not

10d. Mikey couldn't even get a girlfriend if he was a human

11. Raph and Casey ARE NOT fuck buddies

12. OH MY GOD GUYS THAT IS SO GROSS WE ARE BROTHERS!

13a. Do not call us "Karate Frogs"

13b. or"Kung-fu Lizards"

14a. Calling April "babe" will earn you a swift kick to the shins

14b. Casey Jones is the only exception to rule 14

15. Always show up for training on time

16a. Yelling "cowabunga" at any time is embarrassing and makes you look stupid.

16b. You're jealous of my awesome catchphrases

16c. I'm not jealous that you look like a moron

17. Spray painting Casey's hockey mask pink is totally NOT hilarious. (Of course we have pictures!)

18a. Because you "require a shrubbery" is NOT a valid excuse to run around topside even if you do bring foliage back with you

18b. Whatever, Leo, your prude rules don't count

18c. I'm not a prude!

18d. Are too!

19. Moving all the furniture in the lair 5 inches left to throw off the occupants doesn't work when said occupants are ninjas

20. Stop asking Donny to fix things if you're going to break it again


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I've had WAY too much fun with these... so here's another update! I just wanted to point out that I will bash on things that I actually like! For example in the last chapter, "Donny and April are NOT together" doesn't mean that I don't like that genre of fics! (I've actually read some really good romance fics between all sorts of different pairings...) :) Just thought I'd mention that. Thanks to all of you that reviewed and keep 'em coming; you guys are why I write. :) Enjoy **

21. Only Raph can call Leo "fearless"

22. Using katanas to slice deli meat for lunch is not an acceptable use of weapons

23. Master Splinter will ALWAYS know when you fall asleep during meditation

24. Throwing various fruits at each other and playing literal "fruit ninja" does not count as practicing nor will it be tolerated inside

25. Do not cheat on assigned flips

26a. NO ONE CARES THAT YOU ARE BATTLE NEXUS CHAMPION YOU LITTLE CRETIN!

26b. They do too! You wish you were the BATTLE NEXUS CHAMPION!

26c. Shut up, Mikey

26d. Step off me! Hater…

27. Quit putting bugs in Raph's room; he's already had 3 panic attacks this week

28. Creating menacing cardboard cutouts of foot ninjas or Shredder and hiding them strategically around the lair to scare everyone is… well.. mean

29. No, you can't drive the battle shell. You can't even keep the toaster intact for more than a week

30. Swearing in front of Master Splinter is not a good idea

31. Bathing regularly is NOT optional, regardless of what Raph says

32. Don't expect to escape battles completely unscathed

33. Stop trying to imagine what we would look like as humans. We aren't changing any time soon

34a. Leonardo is to be excluded from all karaoke; he sounds like a dying cat

34b. That's not fair! I don't sound that bad!

34c. Only prudes don't admit when they suck at something

34d. I am NOT a prude!

35. Don't expect us to remember your birthday unless you remind us incessantly for a week prior

36. Hoarding snow in the lab freezers to use for surprise attacks in the middle of July is CHEATING

37a. Guard your toothbrush or Mikey will use it

37b. I don't use other people's toothbrushes!

37c. Why do you use mine all the time, then?

37d. I don't! I use mine. Mine is the Batman toothbrush!

37e. No, yours is the Spiderman one; I have Batman

37f. LIES AND SLANDER

37g. Fine! You can have it! I have to get a new one now that you've used it anyway!

37h. FINE! I'LL USE THEM BOTH SO HA!

38. Humming the "Mission Impossible" theme during missions is not conducive to stealth.

39. It is completely unnecessary to yell "fore" or "batter up!" when fighting with sports equipment *coughCASEYJONEScough*

40. Whoever switched Don's coffee to decaf is a dead man/woman/turtle


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: As pointed out by BubblyShell, lists aren't technically allowed on here D': So I guess that just means you're going to get more out of me! I'm going to work in some more personal and reflective moments between April and the turtles as well as some other family interactions to make this more story-like. As always, hit me up with a review! I love to hear from you guys! :) Oh and numbers 52 and 53 are courtesy of SleepingSeeker, Thankyou!**

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April sighed, sinking onto the bed, exhausted.

_Turtles. Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em._

She couldn't lie to herself; she was PISSED that her apartment and business were now little more than a pile of ash on the side of the road, but somehow she couldn't bring herself to be angry with the turtles. Thoughts of leading a "normal" life flitted through her head. How much easier it would be without four mutant turtles, a giant rat, and a whacky vigilante to watch over. Would she be better off leaving and forgetting about all of this?

_No. It isn't their fault that a crazed psycho ninja is determined to see them dead. I can't get mad at them about that._

Forcing herself up with a groan, she turned to her suitcase and surveyed the meager remains of her belongings: two pairs of jeans, three t-shirts, a charred family photo, car keys, social security card, a folder of important documents and birth certificate.

_Thank God for fire-proof safes…_

Tears slid freely down her face as she thumbed through her documents, she frowned and paused as she came to one she didn't recognize. A smile forced its way onto her face.

_Oh no.. another list.._

41a. Greeting aliens with a Vulcan hand salute is not going to earn you a Nobel Peace Prize

41b. And just how would we even do that!? We only have 3 fingers!

41c. I dunno! I just thought it would be useful to put in here!

41d. This is why we can't have nice things…..

41e. No, the reason we can't have nice things is because Raph breaks all our stuff!

41f. I'll break ya face if you don't shut up

42. Disguising turtles in human clothing is only to be used as a last resort; that crap is so uncomfortable!

43. Never push the red button. EVER.

44. Ninja Turtles playing twister never ends well

45. Yes, Master Splinter does talk to himself. Yes, you will politely ignore it.

46. Raphael absolutely does NOT have a stash of booze in his room

47. Don't even try to get involved in a Leo/Raph fight; nothing can break those two up when they get started

48. Back flips are a whole lot harder than they look

49. Lame puns are not appreciated, especially when fighting

50. Always try to get the villain to monologue; it will give you time to plan an escape

51. Armpit farts, although amusing, are not appropriate in most situations

52. Using "shell" as a pseudo swear word will result in one getting smacked upside the head

53. Rest assured, springtime is not a certain 'season' that brings certain 'feelings' to the forefront

54. Pointing tends to exacerbate arguments

55a. Everyone knows that Leo is the favorite child

55b. That is not true my son, you know I love you all equally

55c. Hai, sensei

56. We do, in fact, feel naked when we don't have on masks or pads

57. If you eat any of Mikey's snacks, expect relentless whining

58. Organizing flash mobs in the middle of training will not exempt you from the exercises

59. Ordering large quantities of items online that are flagged as "hazardous" by the government is a good way to get federal agents looking for you

60. Contrary to popular belief, scavenging for materials at the dump is not all that fun

A knock pierced through April's silent giggles; she looked up, "Yes?" She quickly wiped the mixed tears from her face.

Donny's head appeared through the door. "Uh, April, is it ok if I come in?" He fidgeted nervously.

April smiled, setting the paperwork down, "Of course! What's up?"

"I've got a Father's Day card for Splinter; would you sign it?"

April gasped, in awe, taking the card reverently from his outstretched hand. "You really think he'd want me to sign it? He thinks of me like that?"

Donny laughed, "Of course he does! Casey even signed it."

"Oh, well in that case…" She giggled, signed, and returned the card to the envelope before handing it back to the purple banded turtle.

"Thanks, April!" he called, slipping out the door.

"Thank you, Donny." She smiled after him, all traces of her former misgivings gone; they really were a family and family sticks together no matter what.


End file.
